potential

Does anyone else have this anxious impatience to do everything at once? It's overwhelming. When I think about everything I want to accomplish in this short life (start an environmental design company, mine landfills, become fluent in Spanish and German), everything I want to be a part of (a wonderful marriage, raising kids, an amazing church), all of the interests I want to explore (world travel, missions, literature, film, theater, music, art, cooking), and all of the potential that I have, I become paralyzed and unable to do any of it at all. Why is that? What's stopping me? Or am I just being impatient and need to take my time? Do I need to reassure myself that it will all happen - that what's really important will be completed? Am I lazy or am I just enjoying my free time?

I project an image that I am extremely productive, that I am intelligent and capable. Am I lying? I enjoy being productive, but I also enjoy sitting still. I crave achievement, and I simultaneously crave taking it easy. Is the pressure to be a self-made (wo)man yesterday ridiculous?

I have so many ideas that I must see realized. I have a mental list of dozens of books I have to read in addition to the handful I've started and have yet to finish. There's a Netflix queue with 57 films on it. Is there enough time?

I'm a pretty creative person, but every time I sit down to design something, even just to sketch, I experience this indescribable rush of fear and hesitance that often causes me to stand up and walk away. What am I afraid of? Failure? Disappointment? According to who?

Then I see films like this one: http://www.bonnieberrydesign.com/melancholia/movie/dep_final.mov I'm temporarily motivated but ultimately convinced that I won't measure up. Holy cow. (I reference the movie not for the subject matter but for its moving creativity. Bonnie Berry is a designer/mom and I'm thoroughly impressed with her work.)

I am six days away from my twenty-first birthday and two years away from finishing my first professional degree. I know no one expects me to have it figured out, but why do I feel so much pressure? Inhale. Exhale.